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I’m Confused and Hurt

Indefinite Long Distance Relationship

Posted by LD Diva on August 12th, 2009

Q: We  have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years now and I would like to discuss the future about how to end the long distance with my partner.

Somehow due to jobs, kid etc it seams hard finding a solution to the problem. My partner only comes up with dream ideas which are far away from reality and am feeling he is only concerned about his career and doesnt really wanna think about the subject.

He is being very unrealistic and is constantly dreaming up our life in 10 years, but doesnt have any shorter term plans
on how our lifes [sic] could move together. Which in turn makes me wonder if he actually does wanna change anything about it. He is accusing me of argueing [sic] if i wanna talk about it. Also he is saying he thinks its ok how it is
(we are living in different countries!).

Is there any point as i do not wanna have an indefinite long, LDR? Or is he just stringing me along?

A: Assuming you are an adult- I mean a full-fledged adult, not one of these kids who are of age but technically are still kids- 3 years is long enough to know where you want to go in a relationship.

Long distance or not, if after 3 years you are in the same place, you can assume that is where you will stay unless other arrangements have been discussed.

But the distance makes it tough especially if you both have kids and you are in different countries. That’s not really an ideal situation for two people who (presumably) have established lives. It would be one thing if there were no strings attached, but those strings get kind of tricky.

No, waiting 10 years is not practical. And if you both can’t come to some sort of agreement on when and how the distance will end then there’s nothing left to do but go your separate ways. Realistically, what do you expect to happen? Are you going to pack up and move? Or do you expect him to? Those are your choices- either you move, he moves, or shake hands and move on.  And remember, those strings complicate the first two choices greatly.

If he wanted you to move there he would have asked. Likewise, if he was going to move where you are don’t you think he would have mentioned it by now? I’m not saying anyone has to pack up and move tomorrow but usually people who are enthusiastic about the possibilities have some sort of time line.

Don’t let anyone string you along. If he doesn’t want to talk about it then that speaks very loudly- you have your answer and I’m very sorry if that’s not the one you wanted to hear.

Good luck.

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bother a lot how long you can coup with it, its hard to wait w/o clear how long your relationship will end, just bear in mind that theres always an end on every relationship and it should end to a beatiful result. Just always B HAPPY whenever you talk and avoid talking without nonsense, keep interesting topic to both of you.

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I also suggest to take responsibility.
You can’t control the way your spouse acts in your relationship, but you can control how you react in negative situations. “You have to take 100 percent responsibility for what you’re doing in a relationship,” “Decide what you believe and hold to be true, and conduct yourself 100 percent consistent with that your comment here.

If your partner refuses to give you concrete plans about the near future, then it looks you may end up in the ‘indefinite long distance relationship’ you don’t want. To be honest, if he hasn’t mentioned moving closer together sooner, then he probably isn’t considering it. There’s no point in being in limbo for 10 years either, especially when there are kids involved.

Demand a bit more maturity from him when it comes to discussing the issue.This is real life. He can’t just sweep the issue under the rug and expect it to go away. Communication is the only way that you’re ever going to resolve this issue.

I feel your pain. I am sorry, I do not have any words of wisdom. I am going through an indefinite long distance relationship, too. My husband and kids are on the other side of the ocean and it sucks. We’re basically waiting for immigration services to get the papers moving so we can all be together now. It sucks because we are totally not in control of the events. :(

It is a difficult situation to be in, I would also have to say that if your partner hasn’t told you that he will be near you sooner rather than later, you need to talk to him about how you are feeling.

Those are your choices- either you move, he moves, or shake hands and move on. And remember, those strings complicate the first two choices greatly…

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Give a chance to your love if then also it does not work out then you can go forward with your plan…….

Treat yourself to a massage or a movie if you need an escape. Find a trusted confidant who can be a shoulder to cry on.

A lot of people don’t understand that once you get too comfortable it gets complacent and the same thing for business and relationship. If there are no promises made then you may well be in the same place 10 years from now. Arrangements and commitments are critical in long distance relationships.

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You can’t control the way your spouse acts in your relationship, but you can control how you react in negative situations. “You have to take 100 percent responsibility for what you’re doing in a relationship,” “Decide what you believe and hold to be true, and conduct yourself 100 percent consistent with that your comment here.

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I don’t wanna destroy any of your dreams but that pretty much sounds like he wants to keep you in his backhand. Is it possible that there’s another woman in his life?

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Oh dear, 3 years of LDR is a lot. Maybe you should search for something more realistic?

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This is a really serious problem! When your partner spends a long time away from you it pumps the environment! Always arise quarrels and scandals! I think you need to find compromises between career and personal life!

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I agree with Diva, “Don’t let anyone string you along. If he doesn’t want to talk about it then that speaks very loudly.” People can be very different. One is complacent and comfortable and the other yearns for a better life with more love and intimacy. Some folks advice is always to stay and work on it, but Dive and I agree here, move on.

the distance makes it tough especially if you both have kids and you are in different countries. That’s not really an ideal situation for two people who (presumably) have established lives. It would be one thing if there were no strings attached, but those strings get kind of tricky.

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Hey! If I were you, tell him that you can’t wait forever. You can tell him that you might get tired of waiting or something like that but don’t ever put him into pressure of moving on or having a change address.

i tried that…it could work. just send e-mails to each other like doing some sort of conversation. talk about things as usual. just send an e-mail once every other day.
and later your futures might meet. you might be going to the same place or something.

it is really hard to maintain the long distance relationship.

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I would say he’s totally stringing you along. If he was indeed interested in taking the next step, he would have mentioned about you moving in with him or him moving out to be with you and your kids. It’s practically a pain to end things when you’ve been in that relationship for a long time, but that’s just part of relationships. For more information about long distance relationship advice, please visit http://www.longdistancerelationshipsadvice.net/category/how-to-make-long-distance-relationships-work.

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